The Thoughts of an Absent Husband
by Skate-815
Summary: Phil's thoughts of the past year or so as he attempts to do his paperwork. One shot. My first fanfiction on here. Please be kind! lol


Thoughts of an Absent Husband

I've been sitting here for hours doing this paper work. It should have been done in a matter of minutes, but my mind keeps wandering. I think about my job, my family and generally just what a mess I've made of my life recently.

It all started with Kate. I should never have slept with her, but I was feeling down that night, for no particular reason. I knew from the moment I opened my eyes the next day that I'd made a mistake. I could barely look Sam in the eyes in work, but she carried on as normal, not knowing why I was so quiet, but not asking why either. Thank goodness she didn't. I really don't think I would have been able to lie to her. But I don't think I could have stood the look of pain on her face either.

Then I heard that Madison, the one good thing to ever come out of my numerous affairs (apart from Alfie) was leaving the country. That hurt. A lot. I was even contemplating kidnapping her, which everyone knows would end in disaster. I would have lost my job and Madison for good. At least this way I still see her once a month.

So because of her and a little prompting from my mother, I proposed to Kate. Just so I wouldn't lose another child. I tried to make it work between us, I really did. I tried to force myself to love her. Needless to say, it didn't work, but things weren't so bad between us. We could have lasted a while together. But we both knew it couldn't last. We were just putting up with each other for out baby's sake. I'm almost grateful that Steve slept with her. He released me from the relationship from Hell.

Then along came Cindy. The first woman I ever loved had come back to me. Understandably, I was ecstatic. I thought just because she'd forgiven me for everything that I'd done, we could just pick up from where we left off. I was wrong about that too. We've both changed so much since we split up nearly two years ago, that when we got back together, we were totally different people. Everything was different between us. But I knew deep down that she didn't trust me. She'd watch me every time I got a call from someone, and I know she went through my phone, looking at the numbers I have, and reading my texts. She didn't trust me, and I can't say I blame her. After all the times I cheated on her, I deserved some mistrust, but not the amount she was giving me. If she didn't think I'd changed, she should never have taken me back.

And she blamed me for everything. Not just the things that were my fault. That time CID had to go undercover in her salon, she nearly took a mental fit. It wasn't even me who gave the order, but Cindy doesn't listen to me when I try to explain. She blocks me out, and the resentment builds up inside her until she explodes for no reason at all, like me having the TV up too loud, or leaving the bathroom light on.

The failed IVF was the breaking point for us. We needed a child to keep us together. I think she should go out and find someone else who can give her children. But instead, she always comes back to me. No matter how bad things were the last time, she comes back to me, insisting we try again. Without a child, things will never work out between us. Even if we had one, I still don't think it would because I don't think we love each other anymore. At least, we don't love each other to the extent we used to. Back in the days when we first got together, before I started having affairs.

It still hurt like hell when we broke up. We've broken up a lot before, but this was the worst because I knew it would be the last time. I knew we'd tried everything to make it work, and we still fell to pieces. The night she left, I thought I was going to drink myself to death. I knew we had to split up, or we would kill each other, but it felt like I had no hope of ever getting someone else. Cindy was the one woman I could rely on to take me back when things got tough, but I'd lost her too. I sat in that bar alone, trying to block out the pain, the hurt, and the fear of never getting anyone else. I could feel the uniform officers staring at me from their party. And my colleagues in CID were watching me too. I knew that they were worried about me, well at least Ramani was, Terry was too bothered with his own problems at the time. But no one came to see if I was okay. Not even Steve. He just stood with his friends, murdering that Queen song. The only person who came to see if I was alright was Sam. She stayed long after everyone left, just to make sure I got home safely Sam's always stuck by me too, but in a different way from Cindy. She's always been there as a friend to help me when things go bad in any one of my numerous relationships.

Only problem is, I want something more from our friendship. I've always fancied her, and shortly after she saved my life, I fell in love with her. She's the real reason all my relationships are doomed. It's because I can't get her out of my head. Sam's happy with things the way they are between us. She's happy with the chats we have and the occasional play fight. And she's even interested in Stuart Turner. That smug new boy that has the world's worst wardrobe. He's way too young for her. He's worse than that guy Greg that asked her out a while ago. Anyone could see that was going no where. Sure it made me jealous, but I knew soon she would go back to being single and flirting with me. Now, with Stuart, it's completely different. Sam would never date a colleague unless she thought it would work out. Nothing's happened between them yet, the gossip would be all around CID if it had, but there's _potential _for a relationship, and that worries me.

It's now quarter to twelve and I've still done no work since I got here. Sam and Stuart have just come in the door. He's touching her arm again, and she's laughing at some pathetic little joke between them. Sam crosses the room, and asks me about my paperwork. We talk for a bit more and she reaches for a page that I'm reaching for too. Our hands brush together and our eyes meet. I lift it and hand it to her, and she walks off, embarrassed. I look up, just in time to see Stuart glaring at me. Sam rejoins him and they move towards the exit again together. He touches her shoulder again, but this time, she shrugs him off, glancing at me as she does so. I smile, and get on with my work. Maybe there's hope for me and Sam yet…


End file.
